So...

What does it say about me when the happiest I am is when I'm going on too little sleep, too much caffeine, and I have little to no free time??

Gnome Musings

As most of you can tell, I haven't written in awhile. After catching me looking at gnome porn, Tara changed the password on her computer and told me that she'd break my toes off if she caught me even looking at her Toshiba. She's a betch. Anyway, she's in Knoxville for the week and she left her computer. Haha...she underestimates me. I found her password written in the back of The Feminine Mystique. I'm sure that she thought that I would never look in feminist literature and she would've been right, but I thought that it had something to do with understanding the crazy minds of women. Just so you know, it doesn't have a thing to do with that. It was just a disturbing book.

Gnorman, what have you been up to recently?
Well, I'm glad you asked. I've been sitting on my little gnome butt eating M&Ms and watching soap operas. I've also been plotting on how to get back at Tara. She's really getting out of control. The other night she had to take that little rat dog Wendell to be boarded. She was crying and whining all night. I even caught her cuddling one of his old toys. It was quite pathetic. She has NEVER loved me like she loves that dog. Heck, she left me in her car all winter and let me get stolen by the ghetto superstars from East Buffalo. Did she care that I spent a week shivering in the snow? NO! But she'll pay God only knows how much so her baby Wendell will be comfortable while she's gone. I bet she's called the Petshotel (I'm not kidding, that's where he's staying) at least 20 times to make sure that he's happy/comfortable/healthy.
The other night I had the bright idea to torture both Wendell and Tara, but demon dog Saffy thwarted my master plan. I had spread itching powder all over Wendell's toys. It was supposed to make him break out in a massive rash but it wouldn't have any lasting side effects (well, I think that's what the label said but my Swedish isn't as good as it used to be). I sprinkled it on his toys hoping that he'd chew on them and be red and splotchy within the hour. Well, I didn't think that Saffy would get to the toys first. Poor little Pom ended up red and splotchy all over her body. If I actually had a heart, I'm sure that I would've felt bad for her. Tara ended up going with Megan to the vet but it wasn't enough. I want her to really suffer. She messed with the wrong gnome...

Ok, I'm going to go watch re-runs of Project Runway. I just love that Tim Gunn.

XOXO,
Gnorman G.

And Today I'm an Idiot...

Yesterday I had the bright idea to go on a bike ride. A bike ride seems innocent enough, right? Ten miles is my usual distance and that's just enough. I got to my normal halfway point and kept on going. I ended up lost riding around in some subdivision near North campus (I haven't seen a subdivision in months!). I finally found the trail again and ended up riding along one of the most gorgeous areas that I've seen since moving to the Blow-Hole. I ended up at this park in Tonawanda. Yeah, that's the town's actual name. It was just so pretty and quaint. I stopped for a little while to just sit and rest my legs. There are decent places in Western New York...who would've guessed. I rode home along the Niagara River. It was absolutely gorgeous (except for that damn head wind), but it smelled like rotten fish and only God knows what else. I thought that I was going to vomit all over Foxy Lady . Yes, I named my bike. Don't judge. As I was getting closer and closer to downtown Buffalo, I noticed that things weren't as...pretty as they had been. The next thing I knew, I was on Niagara St. in the heart of the ghetto. I'm surprised that I didn't get a flat tire because there was so much broken glass scattered all over the bike path. People were just staring at me as I sped by them (yes, sped because I was bookin' it at this point). It was so scary. At one point, there was a cement wall on my left and a fence on my right. Someone could have been waiting and I would not have been able to do a thing to stop them from yanking me off my bike. God and I were having a very in-depth conversation. I was mostly mumbling "please, let me get through here without getting mugged/raped/killed." Luckily, the big man upstairs was listening and I got home safely. I think that the whole trip was around 30 miles. It was so much fun but my legs turned to complete jello right before I got into Delaware Park. I know that I looked kind of pathetic riding that last 1/2 mile home.

Today, I woke up hurting in places that I didn't even know existed. Did I take a break and let my muscles rest? NO! I rode my freakin' bike into Roswell and then I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I actually fell asleep while I was stretching. I was face-down on the mat and I know I was asleep for a few minutes. Luckily, I was the only one in the gym and no one saw me make an ass out of myself. I can just picture the trainers huddled around me trying to figure out what was wrong. There's never a dull moment with Tara...

I'm going to go sit on something soft.

I laughed

Did anyone else think it was really funny watching the USA men's 4x100 relay team beat out the French by a finger length. Ah, sweet victory. Thank you Bernard for making the snotty comment about smashing the USA. I think it was the motivation that was needed to stomp your sorry ass into the ground.

Is it May yet?

I'm already dreading winter. Did I mention that it's still in the 80s and the first snowfall is at least 3 months away? All I can imagine is the snow up to my knees and no sun for 4 months. Ugh, Buffalo is not the happiest place on earth. I really need classes to start because if I don't get something to occupy every second of my time, I might just end up curled in a ball mumbling.
I have been able to nurture my nerdy side by finishing up some of the books that I've been meaning to read. It only took me a year to finish The Feminine Mystique. I actually kind of liked reading that one out in public because it kept the men from trying to hit on me. Anything with "feminine" in the title scares them off. Let's face it, the men of Buffalo are less than exceptional and it would be lowering my standards to date any of them. I'll stick it out for another year and hope that I meet Mr. Right when I head back to the homeland. Right now Mr. Wendell is the only male that I need in my life. He's perfect...well except for the whole chewing on me thing. He might be the strangest dog that I've ever had. He also has this creepy habit of just staring at me. I'll look over while I'm brushing my teeth or putting on make-up and he'll be looking at me with a blank expression on that adorable little face. Not gonna lie, sometimes I think he's plotting against me.
I started volunteering on the orthopedic/bariatric floor at Sisters Hospital. I needed to get some volunteer hours in and since I'm already an employee, I didn't have to go through that horrible physical and medical screening process again. I'm enjoying it so far. I have to wear an ugly red smock and keep a smile plastered on my face but that's ok. I get to interact some with the patients and since it's an orthopedic floor, there are a lot of elderly people. You know how I love the elderly. They make me happy.

The masters thesis is going well. I'm in the process of analyzing my data so hopefully I'll be done with the project by the end of the semester. At least that's the goal.

It's rainy and gross today. I think I might shoot myself.