A Little Bruised, A Little Battered

As most of you know, I love to go on adventures but this latest one was not my idea of fun. The Thursday before Spring Break I was chillin' with Roxy on North Oak and some ghetto superstar knocked out Roxy's back window. Ghetto Thug Boy then proceeded to take off with Roxy. I don't really know what happened next because they tied me up and threw me in the floor. The next thing I know, I was sitting in the Buffalo city impound lot freezing and covered with snow. The backseat was littered with glass and packaged tampons (Tara is always prepared) and the front was littered with the contents of Roxy's glove box. I crawled around a bit and realized that the radio was missing, an iPod charger was missing, a Tennessee t-shirt was gone, and two pair of sunglasses were MIA. Who knew that dirty-ass thieves were VOLS fans. I think that they just stole the t-shirt because it had a word with more letters than they even knew existed. I bet they had to take it home to their 7 yr old illegitimate son to have him read it.

It took Tara a week to find me but when she did she explained it all. Apparently the morons who promised to call her if her car was found, never called. She ended up finding out that her car was in impound through a letter sent to her house in Tennessee. Can you believe that those lazy-asses couldn't pick up a phone? The best part is that Tara had to pay ransom to the city of Buffalo in the amount of $115. You should have heard the words she was mumbling while she went through the car. She was mixing British and American curse words. It was the most inventive use of language that I have ever heard. I am so proud of her. When she found me huddled in the backseat, I swear I saw a tear in her eye. She actually picked me up and hugged me. I love her, I really do....And then she started hugging her running shoes. She really didn't want to have to buy another pair. It's so hard to find shoes that fit her huge, mannish feet. Apparently Brooks running shoes don't appeal to those who steal cars. I guess the dirty thief didn't want shoes that weren't endorsed by a basketball player.
Tara took me home and gave me some warm tea with a shot of whiskey. She then started going through her papers and cursing the thief some more. I eventually fell asleep and when I woke up, Tara was gone to work. I spent the rest of the day in the bath tub, drinking 20 year old scotch, and watching re-runs of Sex and the City.

I'm just glad to be home...I really didn't like East Buffalo

Gnorman G.

UPDATE!

Gnorman was in the car!!!! He's GONE!!! I completely forgot that I left him in there!

You don't understand how much this upsets me.

Dear Buffalo, BITE ME!

As most of you probably know, my car was stolen yesterday. At night, you ask? Nope. It was indefinitaely borrowed between 12:30pm and 4:30pm while I was in class. I had moved it from two hour parking because I didn't want to get a ticket, and instead of a $30 ticket, I came back to an empty parking space. I think it says a lot about me that my first reaction was laughter and then anger. I still haven't felt the urge to cry. I just want to beat the crap out of the little ghetto thug (did i mention that there are projects right beside Roswell) who took my car. I love my car. Roxy has been good to me. Honestly, I don't know why they took her. She had over 100K miles on her, she was 6 years old, Isuzus suck in the snow...I just don't get it. I know she's probably either stripped down or burning somewhere. I loved that car. I also had my beloved running shoes and my favorite pair of workout pants in there. Luckily, my laptop was safely at home.

I have to say that I really love how security type people/cops treat women. First, they ask you 50 times if you just forgot where you parked. Yes, I'm going to actually go up to you and say that I think my car is stolen if I haven't already checked out every place that i would park my car. Jerks! Second, they assume you have a ton of tickets and your car got towed. When I told the first rent-a-cop that I've only had 2 tickets and they were both paid within a day of actually getting them, he somehow took it that I had a large amount of unpaid tickets and that was probably why my car was missing. What a jackass! Only after we drove around Roswell did they believe me that my car was really gone. It's all good, though. By the end of it, I had the Roswell security guys eating out of my hand. I've got skillz. The Buffalo cop was a different story. It was actually kind of funny because before he arrived, my friend Natalie and I were taking bets on what kind of cop he'd be. I won. I said he'd be an older, overweight guy who called me some cutesy little name like "honey" or "darlin'" I could tell by the look on his face that he thought I was some stupid little girl who just misplaced her car. I got the same round of questions about misplacing my car and such and then he started asking all of these pointed questions. I think he might have been impressed that I actually knew my tag number. Seriously, who could expect a female to remember both letters and numbers. By the end of my drive home, he was very friendly but still...grrr to men.

I hate this city...NO, i really do.

A Gnome Ignored

Remember the days when Tara and I would go shopping together, or take long walks together, or go to the park together, or stay up late just talking?? Well, those days are over! She left me in her car for over a month and she also moved another gnome into our apartment! I think that she's just trying to hurt me. When she's not in some lame library or class, she's sleeping. We never get to spend quality time together. I miss when we'd sit up late talking about the meaning of life and discussing philosophy...ok, we'd really be discussing if and when we thought Britney Spears would die but that's not the point. The point is that Tara has abandoned me for textbooks and a library. How can I be jealous of a library, you ask? Well I am! It would be different if it was another man that I had to compete with but how can I beat a library. When I ask Tara why she doesn't study here, she tells me that I'll distract her. Distract her?!?!?!? What does that mean? She's so mean to me. I want to go into my little gnome-hole and cry. I have started stealing all of her chocolate...hehe, that'll teach her. She's strangely attached to Dove dark chocolate. It's kind of weird. If she doesn't shape up, I'll start hiding her JFG coffee. I think that she might have a full nervous breakdown then. I've never seen anyone as attached to coffee as that girl is. It's unhealthy. One time I tried to pry her red coffee mug from her fingers and she kicked me across the room and piled books on top of me so that I couldn't escape. I thing she's a little un-hinged.
I have a sick feeling that she's going to leave me here when she goes home for spring break. I really want to see Amy but I'm sure tara-the-cold doesn't care about my feelings. I'm sure she'll use some lame excuse about luggage weight limits. Whatev, she hates me. I just know that she'll actually put me out in the yard pretty soon. Can you just imagine what that would do to my sensitive gnome skin?
Ok this is making me want to cry. I'm going to go listen to the new Dolly Parton album that I downloaded on Tara's iTunes account. She should have never told me her password.

XOXO
Gnorman G.