As most of you know, I love to go on adventures but this latest one was not my idea of fun. The Thursday before Spring Break I was chillin' with Roxy on North Oak and some ghetto superstar knocked out Roxy's back window. Ghetto Thug Boy then proceeded to take off with Roxy. I don't really know what happened next because they tied me up and threw me in the floor. The next thing I know, I was sitting in the Buffalo city impound lot freezing and covered with snow. The backseat was littered with glass and packaged tampons (Tara is always prepared) and the front was littered with the contents of Roxy's glove box. I crawled around a bit and realized that the radio was missing, an iPod charger was missing, a Tennessee t-shirt was gone, and two pair of sunglasses were MIA. Who knew that dirty-ass thieves were VOLS fans. I think that they just stole the t-shirt because it had a word with more letters than they even knew existed. I bet they had to take it home to their 7 yr old illegitimate son to have him read it.
It took Tara a week to find me but when she did she explained it all. Apparently the morons who promised to call her if her car was found, never called. She ended up finding out that her car was in impound through a letter sent to her house in Tennessee. Can you believe that those lazy-asses couldn't pick up a phone? The best part is that Tara had to pay ransom to the city of Buffalo in the amount of $115. You should have heard the words she was mumbling while she went through the car. She was mixing British and American curse words. It was the most inventive use of language that I have ever heard. I am so proud of her. When she found me huddled in the backseat, I swear I saw a tear in her eye. She actually picked me up and hugged me. I love her, I really do....And then she started hugging her running shoes. She really didn't want to have to buy another pair. It's so hard to find shoes that fit her huge, mannish feet. Apparently Brooks running shoes don't appeal to those who steal cars. I guess the dirty thief didn't want shoes that weren't endorsed by a basketball player.
Tara took me home and gave me some warm tea with a shot of whiskey. She then started going through her papers and cursing the thief some more. I eventually fell asleep and when I woke up, Tara was gone to work. I spent the rest of the day in the bath tub, drinking 20 year old scotch, and watching re-runs of Sex and the City.
I'm just glad to be home...I really didn't like East Buffalo
Gnorman G.
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